Its been a week of firsts. Sunday was my first Bruce Springstein concert, Tuesday I took my youngest sister to her first concert- Switchfoot, Wednesday was my first full month at work and today is the first complete year with out her. Earlier in the month was what would have been her 18th Birthday and all I could think was that her Dad and I would have had so much to tell her, to press upon her politically because now she could vote. Her dad would have been so proud and I would have had so many opinions to tell her- as if she didn't already know all of them. But still it would have been something I could have shared with her. But instead her 18th Birthday came and went. The family has been at odds this week to say the least. No one quite knows how to handle the situation, what to do with the physical void that has turned into emotional turmoil. Over the past year it has not in any way become less painful, we've just learned how to deal with it better.

Fall has finally arrived in the Midwest. I often walk home from work which I find to be very therapeutic. The orange sunsets that are coming earlier in the day seem to magnify the orange of the tree leaves. The orange seems to fit my moods and the general mood of the family. Almost calm on some level but firey and emotional on another level.

This week was too much for me to deal with so I stepped away, flew away from it really. My stress levels have continually risen so I went to a place of refuge, a place that is my own in some sense. I flew to a dear friends home in a city I spent four wonderful years developing who I was, where nothing but great memories remain. It is here away from it all that I can finally feel what I want without trepidation, I can deal with things without having to consider the crushing emotion of those around me. That may seem cruel but it is hard to truly express and talk when you are so afraid of bringing up similar if not the same grief and heartache of those you are talking with. My friend knows all to well the loss and grief of a death in the family. We have learned to lean on each other in our own ways through death, break-ups, work, school and life in general. Its times like these I am so grateful for the friendships I've developed over the years, for their compassion and understanding. They let me talk, yell and cry without telling me 'oh it will get better', they don't tell me how to feel but listen to what I am feeling. They ask questions and tell stories. They call, they write and they pick me up from the Grand Rapids airport ready and willing to comfort, shop, cry and veg just for me.



Miss you Hadi.
R.I.P.