Wednesday, November 08, 2006

I don't know how to start...I don't want to publish all that I'm feeling right now but I need to be able to talk about it or at least get it out of me. Then again there is the very distinct possibility that those who I know read this will be saddened by me spilling out my emotions about something that is all to real to them.

Its not fun crying in public for multiple reasons. My chin goes all wripply as my lower lip begins to quiver and my eyes water. Random bouts of emotion, memory, hurt, sorrow and general grieving strike when no one and everyone is looking and the world spins by. That's the most surprising part about all this, the world kept going, people went to work, kids to school. When I was home one of my sisters friends came to the door dressed up in costume and it wasn't until later when Halloween was mentioned that I realized why she was dressed up. I didn't know or rather had forgotten it was Halloween. Days are a blur. If you asked me right now what I did each day I was home I could only tell you three of the seven what I did. Even then I could only recall parts of those days.

Im alone out here. I say this not to invoke sympathy but to describe how I feel. Its true I have a cousin and family in Switzerland, to which I am thankful to be spending Thanksgiving with but right now at this moment and until I fly out there I am alone. Mostly I just want to be on my Aunt and Uncle's couch jumping up to answer the phone, coordinating who needs what done and being there to grab the closest tissue box. I want to be there for my sisters, for my mom, for my family. Instead I sit in the computer room of the law library wishing I could concentrate on just one case law, read just one chapter and cry just one time less.

If I've learned anything from the past week and from Hadi it was live to the fullest, and that the only thing to get you threw life is your faith, family, friends and lots and lots of food. Hadi never held back, she never sat at home or if she did it was most certainty not alone. She praised God with all her heart and now she is sitting with him. Although that thought puts a brief smile on my face I miss the amazing cousin that grew up across the river from me.


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