Thursday, September 07, 2006

Tears and Joy...

Over the past few weeks I have experienced stress in a way I had never known before. International travel and foreign enrollment has not been a smooth process to set up. Its gotten to the point where I do not even want to talk about it. I was asked in an email today if I was excited for the trip that is now three days away. I didn’t even have to hesitate in saying no. No I am not excited, I’m too stressed out over all that has not been worked out not to mention the packing of everything I need in two suitcases weighing no more than 70 lbs. I’m not even nervous. I feel so little except frustration and impatients. I’m filled with the kind of raw emotion that people say “unbalances a person”. Anything and everything sets me off. Bursting into tears has become a regular occurrence when I find myself alone. My poor parents have endured the worst of it. Their concern and patients with me is much appreciated but always seems to set me on edge as they ask questions about where things are now and have I verified this and what am I going to do next. Once again my idyllic imagine of how the whole process would lay out is as far off as it could be. The fun has not been sucked out so much as never having been there to begin with.

On a much more joyful note, I went Bridesmaid dress shopping last night. My roommate of the last two years is getting married next summer and I am to be her Maid of Honor! The Bride, her mother, the two other Bridesmaids and I spent over an hour walking around looking at beautiful dresses trying on an assortment of colors, shapes and sizes. It was a welcome distraction from the day’s earlier events. We had such fun picking out the dresses and throwing out ridicules and serious ideas and recommendations to the Bride. My recommendation that we all wear tiaras was not taken unfortunately, for I think I look lovely with one perched on my head. The final color and style of our dresses were selected and sizes ordered. Now I just need to stay the exact same size I am now until next June.

Recent news of slight steps forward in regards to my scholarly plans give little reassurance or relief. I have yet to register or select my accommodations. As I need to live on campus and will arrive their in four days this weighs heavily on my mind. Everything seems to be connected and moving in circular downward spin. Relief will come when all is paid for, verified, settled and I am lying in my English bed with my computer on my lap writing emails.

A couple days ago someone said to me to record all that has taken place. This was suggested so as to not only learn but laugh at the events of the past few months. Then and now I think this is an absolutely ridicules suggestion. No part of this stressful situation is humorous, nor can I imagine it ever being so.


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