Friday, October 14, 2005

Went to see Merchant of Venice tonight at the Shakespeare Theater on Navy Pier tonight. Was so much fun to go out, dress nice and watch Shakespeare. Unfortunately I had been wearing my oh so cute shoes which is only unfortunate after eight hours, at which point each step brings sensations of ache and pain evenly dispersed throughout your foot.

To move on to more intellectual and heartfelt topics...I received an email from a family member this week that brought tears of joy to my eyes. This person and I have not always had the best relationship. In fact it is really only in the past three or so years that we have been able to not fight really and begun the slow process of 'getting closer'. In the email they quoted Philippians 4:8
"Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things"

This coming from a person newly emerging from a deep, and very denied, depression. I was touched that such clarity came through to them. I was also thankful for the reminder myself. Upon reading this I emailed them with a simple but heartfelt acknowledgement of thankfulness and love. I was also saddended upon receiving it though. Not for what it said but because of my inability to freely express all that I wanted to. I hesitate to say all that is on my mind and on my heart. I wanted to say, that I am so thankful that you have finally realized what joy life can hold, I really wanted to talk of my own spiritual journey, of its ups and downs, I really wanted to ask questions of past experiences of resent realizations of current inspirations and of future recover and growth. But Im concerned and really feel that I will never really be able to say all that. Well... I should say I will never really have the courage to say all that, at least not in person. As much as I love this person so much I am greatly intimidated by them, I recoil from confronting them, unless extremely annoyed and suddenly provoked of course. But for the most part I try to simple stay in contact with them. I have such a 'sort past' as the brits might put it, with this person. I have let go off a lot of bitterness and hurt, a great deal of which invovled them. And although I have let go of it, it still lurks there in my past seeming to prevent some part of my future from truly flourishing into a cherished relationship with this person. Is it my own insecurity that prevents me from bounding forward to connect on this new spiritual and deeper level or an invisible barrier never to be described or acknowledge by either party? We have had rare but treasured moments of pure acknowledgement of truth, love and appreciation. But they were short and painful in the sense that words were hard to come by for both of us. We just have trouble talking deep feelings with each other. This stemming from a long history of not talking about what matters. But I must have hope for the future and not let the past prevent what great possibilities lie ahead for us...or so Im told.


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